I have a confession to make. When I was around 7 years old I wanted to be a boy. Let me explain myself before judgments start flying around the room, lol!
My father has owned a tire shop/gas station since I was in my mothers womb; literally!! He used to be like clock work. Went in at 7am and got home at 7pm for YEARS!!! And his shop is just around the corner from our house. I was 7 when I asked my mom, “Can I go see my dad at the shop?” She replied, “No. You can’t go because there’s men there.” I told her, “I don’t care who’s around. I want to see my dad.” She insisted that men would be all around and there was no place for women there and especially little girls. That shook me! All I wanted to do is to see my dad at work. And being a little girl I didn’t understand what my mother was trying to save me from. I just saw that me being a girl got in the way of seeing and being with my dad. “I’ll dress up like a boy. I’ll put a hat on and hide my hair. No one would even notice I’m there.” Of course she stood her ground and I didn’t get to see him that day. But something resonated in my spirit. If being a female kept me from seeing and being with my dad, then I didn’t want to be a girl. I wanted to be a boy. I hated being a female. I would ask myself, “Why do boys have all the fun?.” So from that time till I was in the 2nd grade, I played sports and hung around the boys. I wanted to be tough. I wanted to fight. I wanted to do all the things they did. I wanted to prove to everyone that girls could hang out with boys and be just like one of them.
Don’t get me wrong, women can do all those things. Play sports, wrestle, weight lifting, change tires, etc., we can do it! But it was my attitude and my heart condition that was driving me to do these things. I wanted to prove something. Now I play sports because I enjoy it and no longer have to prove a point.
I had an identity problem. I didn’t know who I was until I started having a relationship with Jesus Christ at the age of 18. It has been a process. He showed me that I am enough as a woman. Being a female is as equally important than me trying to be something that I was not created to be. You see for so many years I thought I had to be better than a male. To compete with them. “Anything you can do I can do better!!!” I was in total rebellion.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14
Do I have it all figured out now? No! Heck to the no! Am I still trying to figure myself out? Yes, I am. I think we will always try to figure out who we are (and who we are not) and to discover our full potential because we are always evolving. Always growing. I no longer struggle if I like being a woman or not. I got that out the way. I love who God created me to be in this place in time and history. I’ve accepted my mood swings, my “monthly visits”, to being sensitive, all my emotions, being able to love and be nurturing, standing up and speaking up, and staying quiet when I need to be. Being able to express myself, crying on demand, insecurities, doubts, fears, and just simply being. I no longer feel the need to compete with anyone especially males. God created both. We are equally special and we both can operate in our own design and celebrate one another. We need each other.
I embrace every curve, every stretch mark, every failure, triumph, success, bad hair days, kids acting like fools, and then hugging and loving on them, not wanting to cook and days that I think I’m a master chef. To saying no to things that I know will add on to my plate. To taking care of myself more and not feeling bad about it. I am not afraid to ask for help. To ask for advise. To cry with others. To empathize and to pray for anyone. I am not perfect just wonderfully made.
And if you are a woman struggling with your identity, you are not alone. I was there and you will find freedom. It starts with a relationship with Jesus Christ. Talk to someone. Reach out. You are not alone.
I say this with all truth: I LOVE BEING A WOMAN! I wouldn’t trade it for the world. God made me who I am, on purpose for a purpose. Today I choose to celebrate being what God created me to be; WOMAN!
I hope you can embrace ALL that you are and who you were created to be!! YOU ARE FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE.
“Do boys really have all the fun?!” Nah! Not anymore!